Lonely as a Clud ;)

It’s weird being home.

Really, it’s the first time I’ve been a guest in my own home, the first time my mom has looked at me and said “well ur a guest, u have your own place now.”

And I don’t like that.  It’s strange— I think of my apartment as home, and my parent’s house as my parent’s house— but to me it’s still a part of me, and me of it.  At what age do you start being considered seperate?  Because apparently for me, it’s 20.

WEIRD.

I find that even though I’m home, on break for holiday, I can’t stop moving around, even when I know I should.  I sit for two seconds, and the next thing I know I’m up and baking granola or running around the house, doing the laundry or jumping around to music.  I literally can’t be still for two seconds— it’s like if I let myself be still for a moment, everything from the past couple of weeks will catch up and overwhelm me, and I don’t want to face all of that emotion right now.  I’m content to keep running, even if I know it won’t be forever.

So instead of facing some pretty heavy stuff, I baked a pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving, ran errands, and ate half of the cookies I baked for family Thanksgiving tomorrow.  :)  Part of me is kicking myself for the extra poundage, the other half is saying FUCK IT— eat the damn cookies!

I’m honestly just proud I’ve reached a point where I CAN say fuck it instead of punishing myself and my body— I’ve come a long way in two years, but it’s still insanely hard.  But I know it’s the healthy thing to do, and it’ll be worth the struggle when I stop the war.

For now, I’m going to try and sit still for ten seconds, light a candle, and watch one of my new favorite shows, Hellcats.  Dumb name, but the show is frickin awesome!  Also going to take a listen to the new My Chem album, been far too long since their last one and I have some catching up to do with an old favorite :)

Hope everyone gets exactly what they’re looking for this Thanksgiving.